By Taryn Smith and Marshall Rolgaski
During his first week in office, President of the United States and Leader of the Free World Donald J. Trump has already taken some actions that many have deemed alarming, even unconstitutional. But perhaps the most surprising, and albeit confusing action, came this afternoon during an emergency press conference held by the President.
“A new threat to the American people is emerging from the south. They come in flocks, every year, to take advantage of our bountiful land and disturb our totally awesome way of life. I’m talking, of course, about butterflies.”
In response to public outcry over the migrant butterflies, President Trump vowed to implement a much taller wall than previously planned. “These butterflies are total losers,” he boasted, wiggling his fingers in agitation. “We need to keep them out! Phoney media’s fault.”
In the aftermath of these announcements, several scientists from various federal agencies have created rogue Twitter accounts and begun tweeting scientific facts, which is now apparently against the law. One anonymous employee of the US Environmental Protection Agency tweeted this message from the account @ActualEPAFacts:
Trump met with newly appointed director of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Thomas Homan late last night and responded with a solution around 1am:
After discovering overwintering sites in Arizona — Monarch colonies that do not migrate to Mexico in the winter — local officials did not waste any time arming their border patrol officers with nets. They have already caught hundreds of butterflies and have thrown them back over the border where they didn’t come from.
Trump insisted the ban would not affect American butterflies, which he respects, everyone knows this, no one has more respect for American butterflies, but would instead only target their “rapist cousins from Mexico and South Mexico” (though we’re sure he meant South America).
Before being sent to prison for insulting the President’s feelings, a lepidopterist tweeted this message from the account @butterflyproject:
Alarmed at hearing that these “Mexican butterflies” were “part Canadian,” President Trump signed an additional executive order to build a wall at the border with Canada.
Trump’s bombastic defensiveness over the subject was alarming, considering its overall insignificance in the current political landscape. On the topic of appointing science advisors to his cabinet, he retorted “I have — I don’t need any nerds on my team.” When pressed further, he exclaimed “Of course I know what chrysalis is. It’s my favorite holiday!”
When asked if the ban would also include caterpillars, he did not seem to understand the relevance of the question and instead ranted for twelve minutes about the press’s “elitism” in deliberately asking questions that make him look dumb.
At press time, Trump was overheard asking a representative from Raid how to “get these damn bees out of my flower garden.”
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